Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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