so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
