I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
