Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
