She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
