my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
