I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
