I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
