I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
