The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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