honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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