Who wears a wallet chain?!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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