I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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