Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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