so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
