There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
