Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
As shirtless as possible
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
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