I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
