Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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