Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
