I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
