I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
