Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
