I heard we made out
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
