just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
