please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
