Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Me. At least after what I've been through.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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