Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
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I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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