I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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