true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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