Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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