Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
