i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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