Is it normal to miss your booty call?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
