I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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