seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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