I accidentally had phone sex last night
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
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I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
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I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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