Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
