Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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