I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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