I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Someone came in the potted fern
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
