Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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