It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Randomize
