I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
