So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Operation Purity has been aborted
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
