I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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