is your mom at the bar?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
