tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
