I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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