this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
