I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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