You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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