I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Shame is for Republicans.
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