so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
