Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
